Touching the heart of our pain

In order to touch the heart of our pain we must first take time to sit with it and understand its purpose. We have to remember that we are not made victim by our pain, but that as powerful creators we have manifested this pain to bring forward learning that can complete  Karmic cycles.

“Do not be in a rush to ‘heal’ (which is the same as ‘hide’) your pain. It will just return in different disguises (dis-eases) until you truly accept ownership of it and understand why you have manifested it at this moment in your life/lives.” Gabriel.

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I am beginning to understand the process and power of this teaching in my own life. Part of this process has been allowing myself to truly feel the overwhelm of life in my current moment of living with my son and his wife (lots of tears and snot and more tears and tissues and a good dose of anger, resentment and pouting). In the midst of this emotional outpouring I asked the Big question “What am I trying to learn?”.  And this time I was ready for  the Real answer. The answer that allowed me to move from ‘victim of circumstance’ to insightful, powerful creator.

The answer was “to learn the boundaries of my responsibility and to receive love and support with Grace”.

And so I have begun to give myself permission to put down responsibilities (sense of overwhelm) that, as it turns out, I didn’t need to be carrying anyway. I am also opening myself to the beautiful humility of receiving. This is still an ongoing process but now my self-talk is focussed on the heart of the lesson and everyday I let more small things go. e.g. I am not responsible for my daughter-in-law’s new puppy; I am not responsible for keeping the peace between family members, and I am allowing my family to ‘do’ for me without feeling the pressure of guilt.

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All of these seemingly trivial steps, that are no doubt glaringly obvious to others, sit within a much larger and longer story of my pain. Pain that I have manifested for more than 20 years  in the guise of Major Clinical Depression/anxiety disorder. I am both a powerful creator and a slow learner.

There is a sense of power and lightness of burden as I accept that I have intelligently manifested this learning context of Depression. As I continue on this journey my questions and self-talk are changing from: “I can’t bare this pain”; “What strategy can I use to get me through the grocery shopping”, to: “Why am I baring this pain?”, “Why do I have this pain?”. My answer at this moment is “Because the pain, the sickness, the Depression, gives me permission to let go of my overly, unnecessarily large, burden of responsibility”.  And so with this insight I begin the small steps of laying down bundles of responsibility that were never mine to begin with.

Kathy Baker

Images: Kathy Baker

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The ‘in-between’

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At this moment in time I find myself in a state of transit.  I am neither there or here. One chapter of my life has closed, but the next has yet to open.  As if to emphasise this experience it is occurring during the Season of the Eclipse, the season of old and new, of beginnings and endings. As I am writing this I sit between two eclipses so the energy that swirls around me sings to me of breathless anticipation coupled with the grief that accompanies significant change, of belonging, but not belonging.

For me this in-betweenness is playing out at the physical and spiritual/energetic levels. I am indeed in between homes, something those born under the sign of Cancer feel most uncomfortable about. Having left my home in Sydney with my husband to resettle in Brisbane, we find ourselves having to live with our son and his wife while we wait (oh how I hate that word) for our next home to be ready for us.  I have a home, but it is not mine. I have such an urge to nest and make this house bend to my energy, but it belongs to others. I must wait. Wait and tinker around the edges. Wait and not impose my self on this already perfectly humming household. There is a lesson here I know.

While I wait and tinker and pout, my husband must search for work. I know the pressure on him is growing.  The not knowing of the where, when, how, the in-betweenness, is heavy for him also. The circumstances that led my husband to this in-betweeness came through a great sense of purpose, strong decisions and a flurry of movement that saw him leave a job that had been breaking him down for some time. And now there is the waiting, the looking, the in-betweenness.

Spiritually I feel ‘in-between’ because I am having to work at being Present. At being grounded and Here. My spiritual work has travelled with me, thankfully, and is my constant, (thank you all my beautiful clients) though I feel that even this aspect of myself is changing. I know that I am being asked to grow and develop my gift further and, as usual, I do this with dragging feet and bad grace.  I am a very poor student. And as usual I do not know what my work will look like or feel like when I make the changes that are required of me. I am in-between. I have a ‘knowing’ but not a clear ‘doing’.

I feel that a significant theme of this ‘in-betweenness’ is Trust. I am being asked (made) to let go of the wheel and not “push the river”. I must Trust in myself. Trust that when I made the sacred plan for this life, and knowing me I would have planned it down to the last detail,  that I made all the right decisions and allowed for all the required experiences, including the in-betweenness, so that I could complete my work for this life.  And so I turn this in-betweenness into a period of Trust and I will spend some time floating on the river – oh but I just want the bloody map!

 

Your Inner-Child is your best muse

It is important to understand that your Inner-Child is not wounded by the events and experiences of your childhood. When you enter each life you are very closely connected and aligned with your Inner-Child. This is where your sense of wonder, adventure, fearless inspiration and great capacity for love is held safe.  Always you have your Inner-Child waiting patiently for your return.

The life-events of your childhood are so important and sacred because they provide the basis for the key learning that you have chosen to experience in this life. It is because they are so important that they must occur when you are at your most vulnerable so they can resonate long enough for you come back to them as adults and clearly see the purpose and the learning held within these experiences. Your Inner-Child can bring great love, energy and creativity to this learning.

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The Inner-Child – an aspect of the Self

In an earlier post I write about the strong connection and close association between  the Inner-Child and the Higher Self. I want to expand on this point. The Inner-Child is completely and fearlessly open to Spirit. When we enter each life we too are open to Spirit and able to perceive and interact effortlessly with this realm. For most of us this open connection fades as we get down to the business of experiencing our learning in each life. The Inner-child though continues to be blissfully and innocently embraced by those in spirit, allowing the channel between the Inner-Child and the Higher-Self to remain open. Understanding our Inner-Child and reconnecting with him/her, then, is a powerful portal to our Higher-self.

The Higher-Self is an aspect of the Self that remains aware of our entire journey, across all lives, to full development as an enlightened Being.  Establishing a conscious link to the Higher-Self supports us in being able to become our own observer, helping us to lift our heads above the drama of life to catch a glimpse of the ‘big picture’ in terms of our current life.  These moments of clarity allow us to understand why we are engaged in the challenges that we are and to more readily access the learning that we want to achieve. This understanding enables us to move more quickly through these learning experiences and so clear the way for more growth.

Kathy Baker

Artist unknown

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