The ‘in-between’

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At this moment in time I find myself in a state of transit.  I am neither there or here. One chapter of my life has closed, but the next has yet to open.  As if to emphasise this experience it is occurring during the Season of the Eclipse, the season of old and new, of beginnings and endings. As I am writing this I sit between two eclipses so the energy that swirls around me sings to me of breathless anticipation coupled with the grief that accompanies significant change, of belonging, but not belonging.

For me this in-betweenness is playing out at the physical and spiritual/energetic levels. I am indeed in between homes, something those born under the sign of Cancer feel most uncomfortable about. Having left my home in Sydney with my husband to resettle in Brisbane, we find ourselves having to live with our son and his wife while we wait (oh how I hate that word) for our next home to be ready for us.  I have a home, but it is not mine. I have such an urge to nest and make this house bend to my energy, but it belongs to others. I must wait. Wait and tinker around the edges. Wait and not impose my self on this already perfectly humming household. There is a lesson here I know.

While I wait and tinker and pout, my husband must search for work. I know the pressure on him is growing.  The not knowing of the where, when, how, the in-betweenness, is heavy for him also. The circumstances that led my husband to this in-betweeness came through a great sense of purpose, strong decisions and a flurry of movement that saw him leave a job that had been breaking him down for some time. And now there is the waiting, the looking, the in-betweenness.

Spiritually I feel ‘in-between’ because I am having to work at being Present. At being grounded and Here. My spiritual work has travelled with me, thankfully, and is my constant, (thank you all my beautiful clients) though I feel that even this aspect of myself is changing. I know that I am being asked to grow and develop my gift further and, as usual, I do this with dragging feet and bad grace.  I am a very poor student. And as usual I do not know what my work will look like or feel like when I make the changes that are required of me. I am in-between. I have a ‘knowing’ but not a clear ‘doing’.

I feel that a significant theme of this ‘in-betweenness’ is Trust. I am being asked (made) to let go of the wheel and not “push the river”. I must Trust in myself. Trust that when I made the sacred plan for this life, and knowing me I would have planned it down to the last detail,  that I made all the right decisions and allowed for all the required experiences, including the in-betweenness, so that I could complete my work for this life.  And so I turn this in-betweenness into a period of Trust and I will spend some time floating on the river – oh but I just want the bloody map!

 

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